The tiny little voice in the back of her mind whispered, “No.” Brushing it aside she continued on. Onwards and upwards out of her comfort zone. And still the voice whispered, “No.” The voice grew louder and louder each time it felt unheard. However, this voice was not Intuition, this voice was Shame. Shame wanted to keep her in her place, never venturing too far beyond , keeping her standing still, while others kept the same thoughts about her. Shame in having to try, shame in never having done it before, shame in feeling inadequate. But she chose not to listen to the voice, not to listen to shame and instead follow her intuition to what she knew was right for her.
I was hesitant about writing on this topic. I love these photographs and I wanted to write about something a little more happy or positive with them but this past week was really hard and filled with anxiety, so it felt dishonest not to talk about it. Honestly I was surprised it hit that hard, but after weeks and weeks of feeling on top of the world, I fell plummeting back to earth. It’s normal to have hard weeks, things don’t go quite as you planned, or you just feel really tough on yourself for whatever reason. Nevertheless, it can be jarring when you thought you were doing so well. And maybe you still are doing very well, having more good days than bad.
We live in a world that causes us to have so much anxiety. Everything is on display and measuring up seems to be getting harder and harder. Our worth feels likes it’s tied up in likes, texts, and interactions and any time those might fall short the only place we place the blame is on ourselves. It used to happen more frequently than it does now, but I suffer from sporadic “Shame Spirals.” I call them “Shame Spirals” because they often start with a single thought that builds and builds until it engulfs my entire mental state.
This dress feels slightly tighter than the last time I put it on, oh my god I must be gaining weight, I’m never going to be good enough, I’m going to be alone, I’m not good enough, why am I even trying, I should just give up.
While none of that may be true, it’s hard to come out of the “Shame Spiral” without some serious reasoning. There was a time I would just starting crying out of sheer terror for what seemed like no reason. What I learned later was that I was not dealing with my individual emotions as they came on. Instead I let them build until they were too much to handle. I’ve come a long way since then and done a lot of work to get to this point, but these spirals still pop up every now and again. They may never go away completely but it’s nice to have the tools to deal with them when they do.
I really love this look! When I first imagined it in my head heels were involved, but at the very last moment I decided to switch it up for sneakers. AND THE RESULTS WERE AMAZING! Looking at these photo’s I see a girl who’s style is effortlessly cool and laid back. Let me tell you, I am anything but effortless. I plan out outfits in my head weeks in advance and will change my clothes multiple times before settling on the final result. But there is something so chill about the white sneakers with flowing pants and detailed top. Since starting this blog, I’ve gotten much more experimental with my style. While trying to create interesting outfits from my wardrobe, I’ve been putting together looks that a year ago I would not have worn on a day to day basis. But I would wear this outfit every day, and in every color if you let me.
Photography: Lauren Hendrix (South of Indigo)